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And now a continuation of my story of navigating the American healthcare system. 

I moved to Seattle in 2014 and was suddenly faced with the reality that I needed to sign up for Obamacare. I was now self-employed and couldn't count on anyone else to provide me with health insurance. 

I signed up through wahealthplanfinder.org, but my income just couldn't support the monthly payments. Through some research, I found some free clinics, but I made too much money to qualify for them, yet didn't make enough money to pay for healthcare myself. It was a super frustrating time. I was also terribly homesick for AZ and my mental health was in a weak state. I finally found a church that offered some medical and dental services - Puget Sound Christian Clinic. It was somewhat income-based, but I qualified and they asked for a $10 donation for each visit, but if you couldn't pay it, they would still treat you. I tried my best to pay it each time. 

At this point in my life, I had gained a lot of weight. I was concerned about diabetes, the strain the weight was putting on my body - especially my knees and feet, and how it was affecting my overall wellbeing. One of the doctors on the clinic suggested that I go back on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications again. I was in such a shitty place that I agreed. I went back on generic Prozac at a dose of 20mg as well as a daily Buspirone dose. 20mg of Prozac was too much for me. It took me to a suicidal place quickly. I was able to go back to the doctor as ask for a lower dose. 10mg worked a lot better for me. The clinic was limited on what else they were able to do for me. I was still experience chronic pain but they weren't allowed to give prescriptions for any pain killers that actually worked and I got a lot of samples of Aleeve. They also didn't have the facilities to dig deeper and run any tests. 

I stayed on the prozac for over a year and I was less diligent with the Buspirone. I just never saw a difference in anxiety with or without it. But what happened with the Prozac is that it made me a zombie. It did it's job in the beginning and was helpful when I was in a hopeless place. I needed the help to just allow myself to survive. Then life got better. I established my home in Seattle and became a true resident. I moved apartments and found one that I loved and nested. I was ready to be happy and take control of my life, but the Prozac was preventing me from feeling really anything at all. I spent all my free time just sitting. I was perfectly content just watching TV and being on my phone and avoiding anything magical about life. I didn't want to clean but nor was I bothered by the mess. I had zero motivation for any of the things that I loved. I wasn't depressed, I didn't feel badly, I just didn't feel anything. Joy was rare but so was crippling sadness. 

I had this moment of realization that I was capable of handling myself and my struggles now. I felt secure in the life I set up. Money was a little better. Life was looking up, but I was missing out on it. So, I decided to stop taking the meds. It was a big decision and not one that I made in hast. I talked to my beloved godmother and told her of my decision. I talked to her about it so someone was aware of the change. I needed her to keep an eye on me and look out for any behavioral changes that I may not notice. I talked with my best friend too and asked the same of her. It was a little scary to take away that crutch, but I just really want to feel things again. To me, it was worth the risk of possible discomfort in order to get my personality back. 

I got back on wahealthplanfinder.org in 2016 and selected UW as my provider. I was ready to take charge of my health and search for answers again. I thought that going to a doctor associated with the university would be up-to-date and possible have some new ideas for treatment than I've experienced in the past. What the reality was, was that I was going to be treated by student doctors with limited experience. I wasn't going in for colds or sprains, I was searching for answers to what appeared to be complex issues in my body. 

I developed this chronic pain in my back on the right upper quadrant.  I referred to it as my Marco spot because I thought it was caused from carrying a baby predominately on my right side. It made sense and I tried to consciously hold him on my left side whenever possible, but it just hurt all the time. The area experienced all the types of pain: throbbing, aching, dull, sharp, stabbing, radiating, etc. It affected my quality of sleep, my abilities at work, my temperament. It brought up the decade long questions of "Is this Lupus? Is this a different auto-immune disease?" or is this something else? Is this caused by the weight gain? Am I so large that my body is just falling apart at the age of 30? I'm 6'2" with a strong and sturdy skeletal/muscle frame, but I was carrying 345 pounds of weight. It was the heaviest I had ever been and I was feeling it. 

So I met with my new doctor. She was young and sweet and had a great bedside manner. She seemed ready to listen and eager to help me find answers. I felt like I was on the right track and was about to get some answers. And this is where I will leave off until next time. Thanks for reading and as always, I would love to hear from you in the comments. Tell me about your struggles and successes and whatever else you'd like to share. 

xoxoSheri