I'm taking my first visit back to Arizona today. It feels differently than I thought it would. I don't think I really allowed myself to be homesick. Was Phoenix even my home? LA isn't my home either. Phoenix isn't my native land, but it is familiar and holds a certain comfort despite any grumpiness I still hold for it. There is comfort in knowing where all the best Starbucks are and knowing which Target is the good Target.
I didn't think I would be excited to go back. I think I'm inherently a bridge burner, and when I leave places I don't necessarily intend on going back, even if I know at some point I will.
Going back to LA the first few times felt like I was running back home to something comfortable and I had friends I was dying to see, and parents to avoid. I ran home to LA frequently, at first. Then Tempe and ASU became my home and I didn't need the security of going back so often. My trips became more like holiday visits rather than an escape from loneliness.
I'm in a different place this time. Yes, I did run from Phoenix to Seattle in a similar way I moved from LA to Phx. I wasn't running for survival though, or toward a big plan, like college. Seattle still feels like the place that I'm supposed to be, but Phoenix is the home of my hero and my favorite person. I knew that I was choosing to move away from her. I knew that I was hoping to find my own freedom and give her some space. I was feeling like I never found my place in Phoenix and in her home, so it would just be easier if I grew up and made my own home and found my own place. I haven't yet. It's only been 4 months and I need to give it time. That leaves me going back to Phoenix probably a little too eager. I'm fearful that I will come back to Seattle and all the sparkle will be gone and all I will see is that I'm alone; I'm not making the progress that I thought I magically would in a new city. It took two years to settle into AZ, to be fair. I just don't want to allow myself to pass time without meaning, and I feel like that's what I've been doing.
I'm so happy to see a few people that I miss dearly, but I'm not telling the whole city that I'm coming. It's too overwhelming to try to see everyone. I'm there for work, anyway. I won't be there on my own schedule.
I hope for emotional maturity and a sense of clarity. I hope to enjoy my time there and to look forward to coming home to Seattle with a new sense of vigor for my current life, and not dwell on missing what I left behind.
xoxo Sheri
